Language is a funny thing. It is the invisible architecture of how we work together. And the absolute most absurd trick the modern office ever pulled was convincing everyone to accept the word “Resource.”
A resource is gravel. A resource is a bucket of tap water. A resource is a yellow toner cartridge for the printer that costs $400 and immediately runs out of ink. When management calls you a “resource,” they are treating software engineering like a mining operation instead of a creative craft.
The Ahab of the Spreadsheet
Just like in the novel Moby Dick, every IT department has its own Captain Ahab—a leader obsessed with a single, impossible goal. He stares at his color-coded spreadsheet like it’s a nautical map, completely oblivious to the fact that the ship is held together by duct tape, hope, and a few fragile Salesforce triggers.
To him, you aren’t an engineer navigating a massive ecosystem; you are just a “rower.” He thinks adding more rowers to a sinking boat makes it go faster. He isn’t trying to be malicious; he is just terrified of the fog. He wants to know the ship will arrive on time, so he clings to the only tool he has: the spreadsheet.
Playing Tetris With Human Lives
This delusion reaches its peak during “Capacity Planning.” It’s that sacred Tuesday morning ritual when people stare at a projector and start playing Tetris with your existence.
“Well, we have 0.4 of a dev resource available next week, so let’s allocate 0.3 to the migration and 0.1 to bug fixing.”
In the math of a spreadsheet, this makes perfect sense. In reality, you cannot split a human brain into fractions. What exactly is 0.1 of an engineer? Do they just get your left arm and the part of your brain that remembers how to query a database? Is it just a severed foot repeatedly kicking the spacebar?
But because the cells in Excel turn green, management feels safe.
The Keys to the Leviathan
Ahab can wear the hat and hold the map, but he cannot steer. He cannot fix a broken integration in the dark. He needs you to navigate the deep water.
They hold the meetings. You hold the root access. They plan the hunt, but you are the only one who actually knows how to keep the ship afloat.
So the next time they call you a resource, don’t get angry. Take a sip of your coffee, stay pleasant, and remember who actually drives the ship.
Call me En‑gi‑neer.
Copy Paste Bonus: 5 Ways to Answer Like an Engineer
You don’t need to be angry or defensive. You just need to have fun with it. When the spreadsheet logic goes too far, use these smiling reality checks:
When they introduce you as a “Resource”
(Look them dead in the eye, smile warmly) “Actually, the ‘R’ is silent. It is pronounced En-gi-neer.”When they allocate you as “0.4 FTE”
“Cool. Just so we are aligned, the 0.4 part of me only writes the SELECT part of the Salesforce queries. The WHERE clause costs a full 1.0.”When Ahab tries to push untested code to meet a deadline
Plant your coffee mug firmly on the desk and say: “You shall not pass!” (read in another article)When the capacity meeting goes in circles for 60 minutes
“Great alignment, guys. But if I don’t go back to the engine room right now, this Excel file is going to be the only thing we deploy this quarter.”When they ask for a ‘quick’ weekend fix
“Gravity applies to my laptop lid at 5:00 PM on Friday. Don’t worry, the White Whale will still be waiting for us on Monday.”
Be an engineer. 🚀